Yes, his shirt says Whose the Man.

Let’s be honest with ourselves: we’ve all wondered what it would be like to do something crazy like rob a bank. While most of us are a bunch of pussies and never actually do it, there happens to be a select few who do. Among these decidedly non-pussies is Nick “F’N” Gage, the ultraviolent wrestling icon and theologian who has made his home for over a decade in Combat Zone Wrestling.

On December 22, 2010 Nick Gage entered the PNC Bank in Collingswood, NJ and fled with $3,000 after giving the teller a note threatening to shoot her. Having just successfully robbed a bank, Gage then did what anyone else in his situation would do: he hauled ass to Smyrna Atlantic City and blew it all on roulette tables, slot machines, and Burger King.

Rob 'em all, back on top!

The next day word spread of the heist when law enforcement began circulating still images taken from a security camera that showed a man that strongly resembled Gage. Though Gage often came to the ring wearing a bandana that covered the majority of his face, reminiscent of the outlaws and bank robbers depicted in classic western movies, when actually robbing a bank he went for a far more casual look, forgoing the bandana for, well, nothing besides a light blue hoody.

Speculation ran rampant amongst fans and wrestlers alike. Reactions ranged from hoping he would turn himself in to suggesting that he should have robbed a drug dealer instead. Others were so offended that people were making jokes at Gage’s expense that they took to message boards and social networks to voice their dismay. The term “pussies” was thrown around, as were threats and justifications of violence towards those who were slightly less sympathetic to someone who had threatened to shoot an innocent bank teller if they didn’t give him money.

D.J. Hyde, CZW's Sugessful (sic) Owner

Then there were those who, even given the severity of the issue, still couldn’t stop the bullshit from spewing from their mouths. “He makes more in a couple days than most people make in a week” said CZW owner D.J. Hyde to reporter Valerie Levesque. Then in an apparent effort to outdo himself, Hyde told reporter Jason Nark that he had no idea about Gage’s drug issues. Oh boy. Hyde, after all of this, then removed all Nick Gage related videos from the official YouTube account, including ones where Gage talks about doing drugs. Whoops! If only Fritz Capp had been around to expose his deceit!

Deciding to start his New Year’s resolution a day early or hoping that the precinct would have a television tuned to the SyFy channel’s Twilight Zone marathon, Gage turned himself in on New Year’s Eve. Charged with second degree bank robbery, Gage plead guilty in March of 2011 and a month later was sentenced to 5 years in prison.

Gage smiling. In Court. Yeah.

In an interview from jail, Gage said that he’d be back in the wrestling ring after getting clean and serving his sentence. “I’ll be back. The king of ultraviolent wrestling will be back,” he told Nark, a sentiment shared by CZW owner D.J. Hyde, a man not known for having the best of judgment. That seems like a really good idea, since it worked so well for fellow CZW alumni Trent Acid and J.C. Bailey. We can’t think of a better environment for a recovering drug addict fresh out of jail than the professional wrestling business!

Sigh.

Well, imagine my surprise when I saw THIS on my television screen on March 3, 2003:

Aren't you the guy who wiped my ass on the set of The Scorpion King?

No, fair readers of Indycrap, your eyes do not deceive: TERRORIST MINIONS HAVE INVADED WWE!

Yutzak Arafat, best known in IndyCrap circles for, uh, this, has been missing for several years since his first unsuccessful invasion of WWE led to his deportation to Puerto Rico, home of much more savory characters like Invader #1.

Well, thank goodness I’m one of the 30 or so people left who still watch RAW, because I must immediately contact WWE and let them know that a Islamic militant has breeched their security. Yutzak Arafat terrorized the wrestling world for several years as the NWF Champion of the World of Penn State, repeatedly bitch-slapping the heroic efforts of American heroes Dave Desire, Joe Rules and Rick Silver to bring about regime change and exile him to mid-card status.

But this time, good Americans, we WILL PREVAIL! Waste no time! Contact your congressman. Contact the president. Contact Vincent K. McMahon and tell him you WILL NOT STAND for this nonsense! Before you know it, he will have infiltrated the inner circle and YUTZAK ARAFAT will be in the main event of Wrestlemania XIX against THE ROCK!!! Why, with just this 30 second segment, there’s already more buildup for that match than for any other match at Wrestlemania so far!

Don’t delay. Keep Islamic fundamentalists out of your favorite dopey wrestling show.

Remember, it’s YOUR job to be vigilant and disrupt Al-Qaeda before we’re all speaking some weird foreign language and being forced to cancel our subscriptions to Nut Butter Magazine.

I mean, uh, Playboy.

A cave drawing first discovered in 1906.

Clearly, something had to be written about the most historically important article of clothing since Napoleon’s custom made penis pump. Joe’s robe has been the subject of many conversations over the years,  mostly occurring in gay bars and Laundromats throughout the United States. The conversations usually go something like this:

Dave: “So, what’s with Joe’s robe?”
Mike: “I don’t know, wanna fuck?”
Dave: “Nah, lets just get this laundry finished up and go home.”
Mike: “Alrighty.”
(names have been changed the protect the innocent)

Joe’s robe began its life on a very strange planet called Дїфѓמײ؛عضشحد۳, which is pronounced “Erth”.

It was fashioned in 15 BC by the Norse God, Terryius Clothius, who is noted for his ability to create particularly unholy articles of clothing.  It was found by a wandering French priest, and immediately discarded in a system of caves.  His intention was that it would never be found by mortal man, as it was both strangely attractive and destructive.

It can be clearly seen in cave drawings that the robe was incredibly important to the people of the region.  It was known as “Il Robe Tèrible” which in ancient French meant, “the tattered worn out piece of excrement that comes from the anus of the smelly waterfowl that lives in bogs and stagnant pools down by the worst part of town.”  Clearly it was of some import because as per records found on the Rosetta Stone, it was traded for 40 Jewish slaves, 2 ounces of gold, 22 pounds of salt, a couple of kielbasa, and a trained monkey named Mr. Timothy.

This tragedy hangs over the yearly Convention for the Blind nearly 60 years later.

It is said that mortal men could not lay their eyes upon this thing of both great beauty and horror without falling dead to the ground in a heap of their own excrement. This rare picture was taken from the 1943 Convention for the Blind held in Brown Stool, Mexico. The robe had been put on display for the blind to experience but not see. But as you can plainly see, this gentleman lied about being blind just to be near the haunting representation of God’s beauty, and he paid the ultimate price for his actions.

Joe Rules came upon the robe while undergoing acupuncture in an attempt to overcome his crippling addiction to over-the-counter weight-loss products. Other celebrities, who shall remain nameless, have also attended the same Chinese wellness spa in attempts to do such things as surgically remove buckets of glitter from their cleavage and get rid of unsightly chest hair. Needless to say, like so many other successful businesses, the clinic was shut down in early 2000 due to that horrifying Y2K computer bug.

After months of therapy, Joe Rules learned to count to 20 without losing his breath and had come to terms with the fact that he would never, ever be able to compete in the NWF again. It was then that he woke up after a particularly grueling rectal acupuncture session with a tingling in his bum and a brand-new robe in his locker. The robe had found its way to New Jersey.

Joe immediately said goodbye to China and headed to Las Vegas to begin a three-hour tour as their most highly paid vocalist and entertainer.

Joe Rules became one with his new friend, and traveled the world with him, capturing titles and eventually even using his new powers to snag noted debutantes such as Kristy Kiss. Little did he know that Kristy Kiss would have a surprise for him on the Jerry Springer show. He showed up for the show, but his robe had disappeared! That diabolical Kristy Kiss had stolen it and offered it for auction on eBay faster than Dave Desire with a new bootleg CD.

Only God and IndyCrap know who purchased the world’s greatest living treasure…

Please Kill Me

Prologue: The Roscoe “Fatty” Arbuckle Scandal
At a raucous, three-day party in 1921, a young starlet became severely ill and died four days later. Newspapers went wild with the story: popular silent-screen comedian Roscoe “Fatty” Arbuckle had killed Virginia Rappe with his weight while savagely raping her. Though the newspapers of the day reveled in the gory, rumored details, juries found little evidence that Arbuckle was in any way connected with her death.

What happened at that party and why was the public so ready to believe “Fatty” was guilty? It was probably because they saw him in action in the ring.

Under the name “Fatty Turnbuckle”, this behemoth used his immense size to flatten the competition. He traded his trademark long-sleeved shirt, overalls, and nut-licking animal for the cold confines of the squared circle and an unhealthy obsession with pink flamingos.

The silent-era film star found his way to Main Event Championship Wrestling in 1996. He was a perfect fit, because while his era prohibited alcohol, MECW prohibited fans from entering the building. Thus, Turnbuckle brought his scholarly knowledge of prohibition-era tactics to the ring in Lake Hiawatha, New Jersey.

Not a Dudley, indeed

The trademark hat was still in place, although, for some reason, it sported a shiny, metallic “happy new year” logo. Perhaps Turnbuckle thought it was a new beginning after his torrid bout with scandal. But even his career-ending fight with the Hollywood dirt sheets could not prepare him for his opponent that night: “MR. ITALY” GINO CARUSO.

It was a true test of Gino Caruso’s mettle. What could he expect? A savage killer? A comedy legend? It mattered not to Mr. Italy. The stoic sensation from Nipples, Italy took the best Fatty had to offer.

The picture above may be the only evidence of Fatty Turnbuckle’s extensive repertoire available. The rest of the match was a cakewalk for Caruso, who ran Fatty around the ring so much, it was almost like he was taking him to aerobics class, or, uh, giving him free liposuction. Just take a listen to the excited commentary of Mark Whateley and Rob Mooney, transcribed below for your amusement:

MW:    Another nice hip toss!
RM:    Fatty Turnbuckle, definitely living up to his name.
MW:    And there’s an arm drag.
RM:    Has he gotten any offensive moves in this match?
MW:    I don’t know.
RM:    Well.
MW:    I don’t know. I’d say he’s pretty offensive.

Eventually, Caruso got tired of showing off his wrestling prowess, so he just kind of laid on top of Fatty like this:

After this exciting wrestling feast, Gino Caruso returned to his dream of some day becoming Tiger Man. Fatty Turnbuckle, ashamed and disappointed by the loss, started a little company called Jersey All-Pro Wrestling.

Perhaps you’ve heard of it.

Every time Bob Starr removes his shirt an angel gets his wings.

Being trained in the essential arts of public humiliation, impromptu insulting, and lying to the public, it is no surprise that professional wrestlers for a time found a second home on the Jerry Springer show. Oddly, the decision to bring wrestlers onto the show was made after the producers had instituted a ban on fighting, but that is neither here nor there.

One of the most memorable Jerry Springer/professional wrestling crossovers was the Big Unit’s extravaganza. Kristy Kiss, Dave Desire, Rick Silver, Joe Rules, Mary-Kate Grosso and Bulldog Blanski were flown into Chicago in order to tell the world about their indecent inbreeding and infighting.

Several scenarios were presented to the participants by the producers. Of course, these ideas were offered after we all signed waivers promising never to tell anyone that the Springer show is a total work, but since I was neither on the show nor paid for being on the show, I don’t think that waiver applies to me. In fact, after agreeing to a specific proposal from the producers, I was shuttled into a waiting room, locked away, and forced to sit by myself for seven hours while everyone else in the group taped their segments. To this day, I have no idea what the hell happened.

Dave, 26 and Cora, 72

ANYWAY, the other people in my party participated in three segments. First, we had “Live Wire” Dave Desire, looking like he just came from his photo shoot for the convict of the month calendar. He dumped a hot stripper for some old bag (Cora Combs) because she liked baseball (Insert “bat” and “balls” joke here). At her age, she probably fielded more foul balls than Cal Ripken.

Joe: "With Tiny it was just sex."

Joe Rules didn’t fare much better. He got caught cheating on Kristy Kiss with a 7,000 pound stripper, but not before enduring insults from Jerry Springer himself. This particular segment forced the suspension of disbelief on several levels: one, that Kristy Kiss would date anyone for longer than three days; two, that Joe Rules would make sweet love to a real woman instead of Isis the Wonder Doll; and three, that Joe Rules would go to any sort of bar or restaurant and shell out more than ten dollars (chicken fingers, french fries, and a coke, please), which would rule out any private goings-on with the Wongalette pictured to your left.

Mary-Kate dumps Tony.

In an even dopier skit, Mary-Kate dumped Bulldog Blanski for the president of the Young Hijacker’s Association of Afghanistan. By the way, knowing that Mary-Kate dates a man who smells like a sand dune, experiments with anthrax, and eats lamb meat and curry three times a day goes a long way toward explaining her horrible breath. We also learned that “Bulldog Blanski” in Arabic is pronounced “Pat Pig.” After the episode taped, the humiliated Bulldog cut a shoot promo and retired from the Jerry Springer show.

Things finally came to a head when Joe Rules and Dave Desire teamed up in a wrestling match against Bulldog Blanski and Kristy Kiss. LOL, I used “Kristy Kiss” and “head” in the same sentence.

By the way, I’m still waiting for my $150.00 payday for getting jobbed out of the Springer show. Sitting in that waiting room for seven hours sucked ass…but I’m guessing that in the long run, it doesn’t suck nearly as bad as explaining your participation in this little slice of Indycrap to your children. Oofah!

Joe Rules sucking off a microphone: Humor.

We’ve all seen horrible angles. I mean, we’ve had to swallow Tiger Man, The Original Chris Wade, the Battle of the Metal Maniacs, Joe Rules as a babyface against the Great Caruso, Mike Masters & Dave Desire winning the ECPW World Tag Team Titles on a bet, and hundreds of other ridiculous slices of IndyCrap. But sometimes, one stands out head and shoulders above the rest. Sometimes, an angle is so horrible that it defies description.

Some things are stupid, but they are also funny. Take, for example, the picture to your right.

However, the “humor” about to be described was more like “horror.” It is the absolute, beyond a shadow of a doubt, most wretched, horrible IndyCrap imaginable. This, my friends, is the true, honest-to-God, steaming pile of corn doody of all indy angles. There was no beginning, no end, and no reason for this angle to happen. It was intended to be “funny.”, but it wasn’t funny. It was downright embarrassing. It took two top heels and simultaneously, single-handedly shredded their credibility and vacuumed away any heat they may have ever had.

Anyway, Rick Silver, Joe Rules, and Dave Desire made up the “Rutgers Revolution” at Penn State’s NWF. There were other members; Luxurious Lynne…Kristy Kiss…some tall guy who never showed up again…a bunch of other weirdoes…but Desire, Silver and Rules made up the core of badass heels in the promotion. Not that you’d know that, because they jobbed out mercilessly on every show, yet somehow still remained over with the crowd.

Well, they were over on ALMOST every show. Except for one night. This night. The Worst Night Ever.

Silver and Desire had missed the October show, where the booker thought it would be a good idea for them to do Halloween impersonations. Well, heck, that would have actually made sense. Except when this angle finally got around to being unleashed on the poor, unsuspecting NWF fans, it wasn’t Halloween. It was much later. I think it might have even been December, or January. Thus, nothing made sense. Two characters who got themselves over returned to the NWF…as big marks who acted like bad backyard wrestlers. (Insert joke here. Better yet, don’t.)

So Rick Silver came out having absolutely no idea what to do or how to act. So he tried to act like the Rock. But he’s not the Rock. He’s Rick Silver. People didn’t want to see Rick Silver, let alone this dingbat acting like a 35-cent imitation of an actual GOOD wrestler. But there he was, and away he went.

Rick Silver imitating The Rock: Not humor

Click HERE for a rousing audio clip. Hear the crickets. (“Finally, the Rick has come back to Penn State!” *much rejoicing*)

That’s right, “The Rick” had come back to Penn State. Amazingly, nobody gave two shits. And why would they? Even Rick Silver didn’t want to be out there acting like a horse’s ass! And for Rick Silver, that’s really saying something.

Of course, it couldn’t possibly get worse. Or could it?

Click HERE for ANOTHER rousing audio clip (“IF YA SMELL…” *WWF Music and “Excited” Commentators*)

Only one of these men spent money to get to the NWF show

That’s right kids…out came Dave Desire with a blonde wig and a Y2J shirt to really get the party started. You could almost taste the apathy in the infamous White Building. Please, for the love of God, END THIS SHIT! any other booker would say. But NOT IN THE NWF!

Click HERE for another torturous audio clip (“Welcome to Penn State is Desire-Cho” *Silence*)

Any normal booker would have noticed that this angle continued to suck in ways formerly known only to porn stars like Amber “Now THAT’S A BLOWJOB!” Lynn. He would have pulled the plug rather than see two of his biggest draws go out there and stink up a whole audience. BUT NOT IN THE NWF!

At least in porn, things are supposed to suck

Rick Silver and Dave Desire continued to blunder through their gimmicks in front of a completely silent crowd while praying for someone to run in and disrupt the horror. It wasn’t funny. It wasn’t entertaining. It was total, unadulterated IndyCrap.

In case you were wondering, Joe Rules eventually wandered out to a gigantic babyface pop in order to put an end to the festivities. Rules and Silver, later on, turned on Dave Desire, and probably stiffed the shit out of him due to his overenthusiastic portrayal of Chris Jericho. And when I say probably, I mean we did.

Not much more can be said about this angle. Rick and Dave both recovered and lived happy, prosperous lives. Joe Rules has vowed never to discuss his participation in this angle, or this federation, for that matter, again.

Oh, And the booker of the angle ended up working on the booking team for the World Wrestling Federation.

Yep.

Pardon me, does anyone have any No-Doz?

Jimmy Snuka and The Metal Maniac, at one time, were two superstars at the crossroads of professional wrestling. Well, maybe that’s stretching it a little bit. They were actually two guys who met at the crossroads of the ECPW Professional Wrestling School in Lake Hiawatha, NJ.

As soon as they met, they realized they had many things in common. They both said “brutha” a lot. They both said “gimmick” a lot. And, uh, they both, uh, yeah. Whatever.

Anyway, they decided that it would be fun to tour together and wrestle each other and have exciting match after exciting match, in fact, the same exciting match after exciting match, over and over and over.

Guys, finish that roach, the crowd is getting antsy.

These matches would continue for about six or seven hours. When asked for comments about these matches, fans would generally respond, “Well, the line for the snack bar was really long,” or, “You wouldn’t believe how bad the bathroom smells when 45 people are pissing at once,” or, “These dudes are wrestling like they’re stoned or something!”

The Metal Maniac and Jimmy Snuka have wrestled approximately 310 times, according to one of our field reporters, Calla-IndyCrap-Han. But it always ends the same way…

I'd rather be smoking, er, climbing trees.

The Metal Maniac has lost to Jimmy Snuka about 310 times in a row. For a spell, he was replaced by “The Strangler” Nick Maddox, who, while he lost several times to the Superfly, never made it to the illustrious 310 mark. The Metal Maniac, from all reports, truly believes that once the number of losses to Snuka equals his weight, Jimmy will let him sneak in a DQ win in his hometown as a reward. Unfortunately for him, the weight keeps creeping up…and so do the losses.

Metal Maniac, welcome to IndyCrap. Ya earned it, brutha!

The NWA-NY Hardcore Championship was once coveted by such luminaries as J-Lover and “Too Sweet” Tommy Logan.

Then, one day, Wacky Wayne Woo won the belt in a Hardcore Battle Royal. Then, NWA-NY started running, uh, um, less expensive shows, and Wacky Wayne Woo decided he wasn’t going to work for, uh, less money. So, he pissed on the belt and threw it in the garbage. Now that’s hardcore.

So anyway, NWA-NY ran through its box o’ gimmicks looking for something ugly, old, and yellow to replace Wacky Wayne Woo. They found an ugly, old, and yellow title belt in Magic’s fun bag, and it became the new and improved NWA-NY Hardcore Championship. It was brought to Commissioner Rick O’Brien’s office. Apparently, Mr. O’Brien didn’t learn from the bathroom mishaps described above, because he left to hang out in a public restroom while the title belt sat unprotected, with only a ridiculous sign imploring any who passed by to leave it alone.

Useless fact: According to Jim Cornette, there is a seven-year statute of limitations on stealing gimmicks

The Intruder stole the Hardcore Championship because he wanted to join forces with top heel Guillotine LeGrande and take over NWA-NY.

Don't worry brother, I work light.

Intruder then told LeGrande that he stole the belt, at which point Monsta Mack, LeGrande’s new partner, ran in from out of nowhere and kindly joined the Intruder to a nearby wall.

The angle actually served to get the Intruder over, as he went on to defend successfully against J-Lover, Tommy Logan, Frankie Starz, Dave Desire, and Rick Silver. Art imitated life, however, and when NWA-NY folded, The Intruder was never to be heard from again… and neither was his NWA-NY Hardcore Championship. Hell, for all we know, it could have been Wacky Wayne Woo underneath the mask, stealing the belt because he was fresh out of toilet paper. Either way, the belt, and The Intruder’s title “victory”, have found their way to our Hall of Fame. Of course, it could have been worse…it could have been a three-way dance championship. I’m not even going to get INTO that idea.

Blast: Because Barry Darsow Wasn't Available.

And you thought Crush was the only former Demolition member sent to the clink.

By JOHN LEHMANN and gleefully ripped off from the New York Post, with additional commentary from the prize-winning Indycrap staff

August 16, 2001 — Two crooked cops and a former professional wrestler helped run New York’s biggest auto scam, staging crashes to rip off up to $10 million from insurers, investigators charged yesterday.

Former World Wrestling Federation star Carmine Azzato, 31, of Brooklyn – who was on the tag team Demolition – was accused of acting as a driver in one of the phony accidents.

The burly grappler, who once tipped the scale at over 300 lbs., now must tip the scales of justice while still remaining on the lookout for arch-rival Zieg, who he choked to death in January, 2000.

Ax After Blast: Dead Inside.

“I’ll defend the NWA-NY TV Title in jail, if I have to,” said the man who once shook hands with Demolition Ax. “I mean, shit, who’s gonna mess with me there after I put make-up all over my face, stick my massive chest out, put on my knee-high boots, and walk around in tights?”

Blast has also been charged with opening a pro-wrestling school that nobody could ever find, wearing Atlanta Falcons football jerseys in one or more of the five boroughs of New York City, leaving his big dog in a small room full of sweaty men, drinking all the Dasani water we were supposed to sell at shows, and ruining several major angles by “forgetting” to read the script beforehand.

NEW YORK POST is a registered trademark of NYP Holdings, Inc.
NYPOST.COM, NYPOSTONLINE.COM, and NEWYORKPOST.COM are trademarks of NYP Holdings, Inc.
Copyright 2001 NYP Holdings, Inc. All rights reserved.

I like big butts and I can not lie.

It was a weekend afternoon at the Jersey All-Pro Wrestling television production studio. One of the “contributors” got bored of doing commentary with JAPW stalwarts Peter Pantheny and Spike Pyle. He proceeded to eat, drink, and be merry until his sole contribution was rolling on the couch and screaming “WONGAL!!!” at the top of his lungs. This resulted in many, many re-takes of the commentary.

However, it also resulted in the biggest surprise in JAPW history.

For months, Adorable Anthony of The Sickness (who was by then known as Lightning Lou Diamond) promised the debut of “THE WONGAL.” Debate raged amongst the illiterati as to just who, or whom, this might be. Once Diamond legitimately broke Big Unit member Dave Desire’s leg in half (think Ric Blade’s recent injury, minus the sympathy and collection plate), The Big Unit were suddenly popular while The Sickness became hated. It was time for The Sickness to break out the, uh, big guns.

The Wongal, a local volunteer firefighter who weighed in at over 500 lbs., “ran” into the ring to attack “Live Wire” Dave Desire and “Sterling” Rick Silver. Imagine, if you will, a big fat guy running. It looked something like that. Then, imagine a big fat guy slapping his stomach, jumping around, and gurgling “EEEAT!!!” at the top of his lungs. Kind of like a big buffet where the chicken parmesan runs out and the customers become unruly and start eating the skinny people.

The Fall of the Third Reich wasn't nearly as funny.

And then, the giant beast showed his amazing agility by raising to his feet, and, uh…

Even after that high-flying aerial maneuver, The Wongal was not finished. He splashed The Big Unit’s manager, Gabriella Leigh, who was flattened like a pancake and remains two-dimensional to this day.

“Iron Fist” Chino Martinez, at all of 180 lbs., ran in for the save, flattening the Wongal with one punch and effectively killing the entire “giant monster” gimmick. Martinez’ heart of gold was never discussed again, and his planned babyface turn was immediately scrapped due to the fact that nobody knew what the hell was going on.

The Wongal showed up once more, during the infamous “Jedi Knights” angle in JAPW, when he was given the Stone Cold Stunner by a vengeful Gabriella Leigh. He has not been seen in JAPW since. A look-alike giant called the Ro-Ro Monster has been sighted in Hudson County. Both beasts remain large, and, uh, at large, so be careful where you set up your next family barbecue.