IndyCrap

And you thought wrestling in death matches would be his dumbest idea?

Let’s be honest with ourselves: we’ve all wondered what it would be like to do something crazy like rob a bank. While most of us are a bunch of pussies and never actually do it, there happens to be a select few who do. Among these decidedly non-pussies is Nick “F’N” Gage, the ultraviolent wrestling icon and theologian who has made his home for over a decade in Combat Zone Wrestling.

On December 22, 2010 Nick Gage entered the PNC Bank in Collingswood, NJ and fled with $3,000 after giving the teller a note threatening to shoot her. Having just successfully robbed a bank, Gage then did what anyone else in his situation would do: he hauled ass to Smyrna Atlantic City and blew it all on roulette tables, slot machines, and Burger King.

The next day word spread of the heist when law enforcement began circulating still images taken from a security camera that showed a man that strongly resembled Gage. Though Gage often came to the ring wearing a bandana that covered the majority of his face, reminiscent of the outlaws and bank robbers depicted in classic western movies, when actually robbing a bank he went for a far more casual look, forgoing the bandana for, well, nothing besides a light blue hoody.

Speculation ran rampant amongst fans and wrestlers alike. Reactions ranged from hoping he would turn himself in to suggesting that he should have robbed a drug dealer instead. Others were so offended that people were making jokes at Gage’s expense that they took to message boards and social networks to voice their dismay. The term “pussies” was thrown around, as were threats and justifications of violence towards those who were slightly less sympathetic to someone who had threatened to shoot an innocent bank teller if they didn’t give him money.

Then there were those who, even given the severity of the issue, still couldn’t stop the bullshit from spewing from their mouths. “He makes more in a couple days than most people make in a week” said CZW owner D.J. Hyde to reporter Valerie Levesque. Then in an apparent effort to outdo himself, Hyde told reporter Jason Nark that he had no idea about Gage’s drug issues. Oh boy. Hyde, after all of this, then removed all Nick Gage related videos from the official YouTube account, including ones where Gage talks about doing drugs. Whoops! If only Fritz Capp had been around to expose his deceit!

Deciding to start his New Year’s resolution a day early or hoping that the precinct would have a television tuned to the SyFy channel’s Twilight Zone marathon, Gage turned himself in on New Year’s Eve. Charged with second degree bank robbery, Gage plead guilty in March of 2011 and a month later was sentenced to 5 years in prison.

In an interview from jail, Gage said that he’d be back in the wrestling ring after getting clean and serving his sentence. “I’ll be back. The king of ultraviolent wrestling will be back,” he told Nark, a sentiment shared by CZW owner D.J. Hyde, a man not known for having the best of judgment. That seems like a really good idea, since it worked so well for fellow CZW alumni Trent Acid and J.C. Bailey. We can’t think of a better environment for a recovering drug addict fresh out of jail than the professional wrestling business!

Sigh.