IndyCrap

Note: Most of the information below can be found, in its original form, in Alex Gildengers’ doctoral thesis, The Robe, The God of War, 5, and Other Mysteries of Wrestling, written in 1992 for Harvard University. It is used with permission by Mr. Gildengers, who never really cared for Joe or his robe. He also hates cute little puppydogs, your mother, and God. Beware the banana-beating Argentinian Jew.

Clearly, something had to be written about the most historically important article of clothing since Napoleon’s custom made penis pump. Joe’s robe has been the subject of many conversations over the years,  mostly occurring in gay bars and Laundromats throughout the United States. The conversations usually go something like this:

Dave: “So, what’s with Joe’s robe?”
Mike: “I don’t know, wanna fuck?”
Dave: “Nah, lets just get this laundry finished up and go home.”
Mike: “Alrighty.”
(names have been changed the protect the innocent)

Joe’s robe began its life on a very strange planet called Дїфѓמײ؛عضشحد۳, which is pronounced “Erth”.

It was fashioned in 15 BC by the Norse God, Terryius Clothius, who is noted for his ability to create particularly unholy articles of clothing.  It was found by a wandering French priest, and immediately discarded in a system of caves.  His intention was that it would never be found by mortal man, as it was both strangely attractive and destructive.

It can be clearly seen in cave drawings that the robe was incredibly important to the people of the region.  It was known as “Il Robe Tèrible” which in ancient French meant, “the tattered worn out piece of excrement that comes from the anus of the smelly waterfowl that lives in bogs and stagnant pools down by the worst part of town.”  Clearly it was of some import because as per records found on the Rosetta Stone, it was traded for 40 Jewish slaves, 2 ounces of gold, 22 pounds of salt, a couple of kielbasa, and a trained monkey named Mr. Timothy.

It is said that mortal men could not lay their eyes upon this thing of both great beauty and horror without falling dead to the ground in a heap of their own excrement. This rare picture was taken from the 1943 Convention for the Blind held in Brown Stool, Mexico. The robe had been put on display for the blind to experience but not see. But as you can plainly see, this gentleman lied about being blind just to be near the haunting representation of God’s beauty, and he paid the ultimate price for his actions.

Joe Rules came upon the robe while undergoing acupuncture in an attempt to overcome his crippling addiction to over-the-counter weight-loss products. Other celebrities, who shall remain nameless, have also attended the same Chinese wellness spa in attempts to do such things as surgically remove buckets of glitter from their cleavage and get rid of unsightly chest hair. Needless to say, like so many other successful businesses, the clinic was shut down in early 2000 due to that horrifying Y2K computer bug.

After months of therapy, Joe Rules learned to count to 20 without losing his breath and had come to terms with the fact that he would never, ever be able to compete in the NWF again. It was then that he woke up after a particularly grueling rectal acupuncture session with a tingling in his bum and a brand-new robe in his locker. The robe had found its way to New Jersey.

Joe immediately said goodbye to China and headed to Las Vegas to begin a three-hour tour as their most highly paid vocalist and entertainer.

Joe Rules became one with his new friend, and traveled the world with him, capturing titles and eventually even using his new powers to snag noted debutantes such as Kristy Kiss. Little did he know that Kristy Kiss would have a surprise for him on the Jerry Springer show. He showed up for the show, but his robe had disappeared! That diabolical Kristy Kiss had stolen it and offered it for auction on eBay faster than Dave Desire with a new bootleg CD.

Only God and IndyCrap know who purchased the world’s greatest living treasure…

Please Kill Me