IndyCrap

He may not have rammed a coke bottle up a young girl’s panty hamster, but he was offensive nonetheless.

Prologue: The Roscoe “Fatty” Arbuckle Scandal
At a raucous, three-day party in 1921, a young starlet became severely ill and died four days later. Newspapers went wild with the story: popular silent-screen comedian Roscoe “Fatty” Arbuckle had killed Virginia Rappe with his weight while savagely raping her. Though the newspapers of the day reveled in the gory, rumored details, juries found little evidence that Arbuckle was in any way connected with her death.

What happened at that party and why was the public so ready to believe “Fatty” was guilty? It was probably because they saw him in action in the ring.

Under the name “Fatty Turnbuckle”, this behemoth used his immense size to flatten the competition. He traded his trademark long-sleeved shirt, overalls, and nut-licking animal for the cold confines of the squared circle and an unhealthy obsession with pink flamingos.

The silent-era film star found his way to Main Event Championship Wrestling in 1996. He was a perfect fit, because while his era prohibited alcohol, MECW prohibited fans from entering the building. Thus, Turnbuckle brought his scholarly knowledge of prohibition-era tactics to the ring in Lake Hiawatha, New Jersey.

Not a Dudley, indeed

The trademark hat was still in place, although, for some reason, it sported a shiny, metallic “happy new year” logo. Perhaps Turnbuckle thought it was a new beginning after his torrid bout with scandal. But even his career-ending fight with the Hollywood dirt sheets could not prepare him for his opponent that night: “MR. ITALY” GINO CARUSO.

It was a true test of Gino Caruso’s mettle. What could he expect? A savage killer? A comedy legend? It mattered not to Mr. Italy. The stoic sensation from Nipples, Italy took the best Fatty had to offer.

The picture above may be the only evidence of Fatty Turnbuckle’s extensive repertoire available. The rest of the match was a cakewalk for Caruso, who ran Fatty around the ring so much, it was almost like he was taking him to aerobics class, or, uh, giving him free liposuction. Just take a listen to the excited commentary of Mark Whateley and Rob Mooney, transcribed below for your amusement:

MW:    Another nice hip toss!
RM:    Fatty Turnbuckle, definitely living up to his name.
MW:    And there’s an arm drag.
RM:    Has he gotten any offensive moves in this match?
MW:    I don’t know.
RM:    Well.
MW:    I don’t know. I’d say he’s pretty offensive.

Eventually, Caruso got tired of showing off his wrestling prowess, so he just kind of laid on top of Fatty like this:

After this exciting wrestling feast, Gino Caruso returned to his dream of some day becoming Tiger Man. Fatty Turnbuckle, ashamed and disappointed by the loss, started a little company called Jersey All-Pro Wrestling.

Perhaps you’ve heard of it.