IndyCrap

After watching this, we know for sure that professional wrestling is real.

Being trained in the essential arts of public humiliation, impromptu insulting, and lying to the public, it is no surprise that professional wrestlers for a time found a second home on the Jerry Springer show. Oddly, the decision to bring wrestlers onto the show was made after the producers had instituted a ban on fighting, but that is neither here nor there.

One of the most memorable Jerry Springer/professional wrestling crossovers was the Big Unit’s extravaganza. Kristy Kiss, Dave Desire, Rick Silver, Joe Rules, Mary-Kate Grosso and Bulldog Blanski were flown into Chicago in order to tell the world about their indecent inbreeding and infighting.

Several scenarios were presented to the participants by the producers. Of course, these ideas were offered after we all signed waivers promising never to tell anyone that the Springer show is a total work, but since I was neither on the show nor paid for being on the show, I don’t think that waiver applies to me. In fact, after agreeing to a specific proposal from the producers, I was shuttled into a waiting room, locked away, and forced to sit by myself for seven hours while everyone else in the group taped their segments. To this day, I have no idea what the hell happened.

ANYWAY, the other people in my party participated in three segments. First, we had “Live Wire” Dave Desire, looking like he just came from his photo shoot for the convict of the month calendar. He dumped a hot stripper for some old bag (Cora Combs) because she liked baseball (Insert “bat” and “balls” joke here). At her age, she probably fielded more foul balls than Cal Ripken.

Joe Rules didn’t fare much better. He got caught cheating on Kristy Kiss with a 7,000 pound stripper, but not before enduring insults from Jerry Springer himself. This particular segment forced the suspension of disbelief on several levels: one, that Kristy Kiss would date anyone for longer than three days; two, that Joe Rules would make sweet love to a real woman instead of Isis the Wonder Doll; and three, that Joe Rules would go to any sort of bar or restaurant and shell out more than ten dollars (chicken fingers, french fries, and a coke, please), which would rule out any private goings-on with the Wongalette pictured to your left.

In an even dopier skit, Mary-Kate dumped Bulldog Blanski for the president of the Young Hijacker’s Association of Afghanistan. By the way, knowing that Mary-Kate dates a man who smells like a sand dune, experiments with anthrax, and eats lamb meat and curry three times a day goes a long way toward explaining her horrible breath. We also learned that “Bulldog Blanski” in Arabic is pronounced “Pat Pig.” After the episode taped, the humiliated Bulldog cut a shoot promo and retired from the Jerry Springer show.

Things finally came to a head when Joe Rules and Dave Desire teamed up in a wrestling match against Bulldog Blanski and Kristy Kiss. LOL, I used “Kristy Kiss” and “head” in the same sentence.

By the way, I’m still waiting for my $150.00 payday for getting jobbed out of the Springer show. Sitting in that waiting room for seven hours sucked ass…but I’m guessing that in the long run, it doesn’t suck nearly as bad as explaining your participation in this little slice of Indycrap to your children. Oofah!