IndyCrap

Doug Flutie’s Autistic Son Isn’t As Stupid As This Stinker.

Many, many terrible gimmick matches come and go in wrestling. We’ve seen loser must eat dog food matches, bra and panties matches, thunderdoom cage matches, and exciting “shoot” matches between Low-Ki and “Dirty” Don Montoya. Topping that dubious list is the all-time “who the fuck thought this one up?” match idea…the UWF’s Flutie Flakes on a Pole match.

The idea started innocently enough. The month before, “The Maniacal” Hubie Volk had teamed with Guillotine LeGrande to take on “Superstar” Rick Flutie and Eric Kreed. Volk got the pin on Flutie, and Flutie steamed for revenge. So he challenged him to his favorite match…a Flutie Flakes on a Pole Match. The rules were that whomever first grabbed the box of cereal could use it as a weapon. Ahem. COULD USE THE BOX OF CEREAL AS A WEAPON.

I’m sure the idea looked funny on paper, but funny does not necessarily mean good. This was a G.L.O.W. match gone horribly wrong, and minus the big-breasted women. Well, except maybe for Hubie Volk, a Dick Slater look-alike who seemingly never passed a Sizzler he didn’t like.

Anyway, the action in the match wasn’t all that bad, but the real treat came when Hubie Volk finally scaled the pole (in a building where the ceiling was probably 8 feet high) and grabbed the box of Flutie Flakes. Holding it up in triumph, he forgot to look out for…THE VAN FLAKINATOR!

The horror finally ended when Volk piledrove Flutie through a steel chair onto the box of cereal. It must have been pretty old cereal, because the impact knocked Flutie senseless and Volk scored the pin. Thankfully, the box of cereal was torn to pieces by the brain-dead fans at ringside, which killed the “Towering Inferno” Flaming Box of Flutie Flakes rematch.